I’m Not In A Rut But Things Are Confusing

I hate being vulnerable. In any forum. I don’t want my words to be used against me so I refrain from saying too much in case some lurking evil wants to throw my words back in my face. It keeps me out of trouble (for the most part) but it can also be quite isolating. Currently, I feel ok with sharing what’s about to come next.

Truth is, I’m feeling a bit lost and as if the wind has been knocked from me. My work life is not what I want it to be and in a matter of weeks, things will be very different.

The short of it, my fixed contract job that was intended to transition into permanent has not worked out. Not for any lack of effort or skill but because of slick plays for increased profit. No one has bothered to really explain it all so I’ve chocked it up to greed. This business maneouver has left me with one option: get out and find a new job.

This isn’t the end of the world. I know this. Why? The job wasn’t really panning out before this bomb was dropped. The work I was doing was not challenging and my manager wasn’t the most helpful (I’ll be polite). Leaving was inevitable. What’s different is that I don’t have the option to decide.

This forced move has changed my current and future decisions for 2019. Not momentously but my dissolving role has already had tiny affects in my life.

The first change – I’m on the job hunt. Interviewing and putting myself on display. I feel like I’m performing in order to show these new teams and companies that I have what it takes. I’m also simultaneously trying to assess each business to ensure I don’t make a mistake. It’s exhausting.

This pressure I’m putting on myself has made me very nervous about my very being, my skills, my everything. I know I’m my own worst critic but the way things have played out at work, and with my manager have been hard on me, its been a roller coaster. I’m holding on tight while my ego is constantly being bashed along the way.  I know that despite it all I’m valuable and intelligent, but it’s hard to remember this mantra. Especially whilst I try to remind myself and prove this to others during the interview process.

I feel like my manager never saw my value. With all the effort I put in, she really made me look inward and second guess myself. It wasn’t a reflective “She has made me better” look. More of “Do I have what it takes at all?” The answer is yes. A million times. But again, oh so hard to remember and reinforce in myself when I have to keep telling others why I’m worthy and face a few rejections while doing so.

What I mean is during the interview stage you have to hear people say you aren’t the right fit or you don’t have what your competitors have. It can be hard to hear. Especially when you’ve already got a case of self doubt.

My first venture into the world of “London career life” has sort of flopped. I didn’t want this. I kept writing down my goals but having things play out the way that they have, this wasn’t my vision. Or at least, it wasn’t how I thought my vision would go. Perhaps my vision for my career is playing out in the best way possible but while going through it, it’s kind of hard to see how. I know that I have what it takes to succeed and it just takes a few turds to get to that next place.

How does this relate to being an expat? I think the uncertainty of it all is the how. Work was supposed to be the place where I find a comfort zone. A place to make friends. Build my career. Get a sense of stability and trust.

I mean, work isn’t this all knowing place that drives you but I think it can offer something in your expat journey that makes you feel like you  fit in better.

I hope this blog of random feelings helps others in their career journey or expat adventures. I know it can seem scary and confusing but I honestly believe there is a light at the end and it’s going to be awesomely bright.

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